The day I come home and found my suitcase sittin’ out on the porch
I’ll never forget the good times we had
And then they give her the better half
Then I found this note taped on the mailbox
She got the gold mine, I got the shaft
Well, it all sounds sort of funny
But she got the better half
They split it right down the middle
Alimony, and the cost of the court
And then they give her the better half
That said, “Goodbye, turkey! My attorney will be in touch!”
But it hurts too much to laugh
But I’da said I wouldn’t if I’da just knew
Well, I guess it all sounds funny
And I’ll admit I wasn’t too surprised
She got the gold mine, I got the shaft
I let my wife tote it, I’mon’ be carryin’ food stamps
{Well, I don’t have to worry ‘bout totin’ a billfold n’more
So I decided right then and there
Then they give her the house, the kids, and both of the cars! See?
Didn’t take me long to figure out how far in the toilet I was
Well, it wasn’t too long till the lust all died
They split it all down the middle
'Cause I’m reminded every month when I send her the child support
Besides, everything I ever had worth takin’, they’ve already took
How sayin’, 'I do' was gonna screw up all of my life
Publisher: WARNER HOUSE OF MUSIC
Well, it all sounds mighty funny
They said they’re splittin’ it all down the middle
While she’s livin’ like a queen on alimony
But it hurts too much to laugh
Well, I tried to get in, she changed the locks
She got the gold mine, I got the shaft
They give her the gold mine, they give me the shaft
But it hurts too much to laugh
Listen, judge, I’s just kiddin’}
Well, the first few years weren’t all that bad
Well, she said she would, so I said, “I do”
So I asked this little girl, I was goin’ with to be my wife
Songwriter: Tim J. Dubois
Why, they give her the color television set
Now, listen, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet
I’m workin’ two shifts eatin’ baloney
It’s not funny, huh?
She got the gold mine, I got the shaft
Contempt of court? What do you mean?
{They ain’t kiddin', I got the shaft}
'Cause it adds up to more than this cowboy makes
I’s gonna do what’s right, give her her fair share
But brother, I didn’t know her share’s gon’ be that much
You get it, judge? I’mon’ be just
Well, then they start talkin’ ‘bout child support
I’m tellin’ you, they have made a mistake
Well, she got the gold mine, I got the shaft
When eatin’ my cookin’ got the better of me
Askin’ myself, why didn’t you just learn how to cook?
Well, I guess it was back in ’63