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BeAuTiFuL sMiLeS :) hidden tears...

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Just a little warning, this is going to be really long and I understand if you quit half way through. Oh trust me I understand. This is just going to be another one of those depressed stories, which it seems every preteen/ teenager has now. The only difference is I actually know mine is real and not some ploy for attention. I honestly don't even want attention. I'm doing this because I just need help tonight to keep me from doing something I'm trying to fix. Let's start over. Hi, my name is Kelly. I'm 16 and I've had both anorexia and bulimia since I was 13. I've known this the whole time, I'm not in denial, but every time I try to help myself I look into the mirror and I look so big in my eyes. I've done the research, I know this is a mental illness and that it makes me look bigger than I am, but I can't seem to make myslef believe it... I grab at pinchs of skin... I know I'm fat... I have a great life when I look at the big picture. I have a mother and a father, divorced but I'm close with both, a brother who's not too annoying, a hot Spanish boyfriend that loves me unconditionally, average grades, college classes, my soccer teams best defensive player, and I'm first chair cello in my high schools advanced orchestra. I look at all this and even I'm like "damn this girl had no right to have a sob story" but everyone has a secret, and no matter what someone seems like, sometimes they're dying... Now here's my story. When I first moved to Florida in 8th grade I heard water was good for making your skin clear and so I drank a ton all the time (my acne was terrible) and this left little room for food. I almost instantly lost 10 lbs accidentally and it felt... Well... Amazing. That's how it all started. I've only gotten worse since then. 6 months into being anorexic I couldn't take it anymore and so I just ate everything. That was when I then discovered throwing up again... It balanced stuff out. Over the years my lowest was 108 lbs. I'm 5'6" so I guess I looked grotesque in some eyes but I couldn't and still can't see that if I tried. I came clean to my boyfriend and mom last year, they sent my to therapy. It worked for a month I guess but then I started lying to her just so I could get her to be like "ma'am your daughters fine, you can let her go to the bathroom by herself again" of course it started again as soon as no one cared anymore... The other day I almost thought I was better. I was naked in front of the mirror, giving myself the talk on why I have to go throw up when suddenly bam! My boobs were practically gone and I saw my rib cage and hips an it freaked me out... I vowed I'd get better right then an like worked... For the past four day... Now I'm back to the same hippo I always see. Please... If you read this... Any of it... Convince me not to go throw up... I've been coughing up blood randomly a lot because of it and I just don't know what to do other than not throw up but food in my stomach is literally painful now... Please... Somebody help me </3

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