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R. Ashby Zehmer

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I have no redeeming qualities. None. Not a single one. I am boorish, uncultured, narcissistic, uneducated, unintelligent, humorless, have poor hygiene, a dreadful smile, no capacity for empathy, and am chronically manipulative. Should we go out to dinner, I will open the restaurant door for myself, walk in before you and let it close in your face. I will order the most expensive item from the menu and when the check arrives, I will pull my disappearing-wallet trick, leaving you with the bill. This is important because if you can't afford dinner, you can't afford me in your life. Introducing me to your friends will be a similar nightmare. I will attempt to sleep with any and all of them, without exception. When my advances are rebuffed, I will become hostile and alternatively antagonize them and attempt to soldier forward with my seductions. Your parents will be equally unimpressed by my loutish behavior and hideous appearance. I will immediately inquire about your inheritance and demand a figure. My singular lack of any ambition outside of establishing a parasitic relationship with their daughter will be instantly apparent. You will not meet my friends. The reason, quite simply, is that you would embarrass me. I have told them that I am dating a supermodel I met in Manhattan and periodically visit. My absences that I describe as passion-filled romps in her Soho loft are, more accurately, me not leaving my apartment for a week. If, by any chance, you DO possess supermodel looks then I can fill you in on the backstory and you will assume her role. This would be ideal. So there you have it. I have been very forthright with my description of myself. Here's where we get to my expectations for you. You must be: -Physically attractive, with a preference for stunning beauty (pics required) -Able to hold down a job or have a steady stream of income (non-negotiable) -... That's it! I have great potential as a "project" for you. You can at

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